Don King Loses His Mind

The following article is a fabrication, full of scandalous misinformation. 

Don King announced today that arrangements have been finalized for what he calls “the best fight I could possibly put together on such short notice.”

King remarked, “As a result of considerable pressure exerted upon me, both professionally and on my physical person, I have been persuaded to stage an extraordinarily enormous event, a battle between two brave warriors, venerable veterans, tremendous titans of the cruiserweight division!”  King has lined up Ron Krull (7-33, 6 KOs) and Ivica Cukusic (7-55-4, no KOs) to do battle on Friday, February 13. After an uncharacteristic moment of uncomfortable silence, a reporter for the Topeka Republican Democrat asked King whether he had bothered to research the fighters’ professional histories.  King replied, “Well the thing about pitting two such experienced boxers against each other, you know, is that each has so much to win by winning.  The other thing is that no matter what, sombody’s gotta win!”  Unprompted by any further questions by the assembled throng of four writers, King improvised.  “There’s no fighter like an old fighter, and these gentlemens is both old.  Not so old that they can’t get it on, but old enough that they won’t be getting it on in girly underpanties!”  King’s language was cryptic, but he seemed to be alluding to a recent incident involving Oscar de la Hoya. A contingent of large Italian-American gentlemen accompanied King at the press conference.  When asked whether they were bodyguards, one who identified himself as Donnie “The Booger” Pimento laughed, “We’re here to make sure that it happens, what certain people want to happen.”  Then he hit the reporter with a shovel and dragged him from the room. 

The boxers were present but never spoke (or made eye contact) with reporters while King detailed the unconventional rules of this fight.  “We chose Haiti as the venue because the organization which is bankrolling the production already has certain agricultural concerns operating there, and regular flights which make it logistically sensible.  We decided the fight would be at least 20 rounds long and there will be no referee, and Haiti has no laws to prevent that.  There will be no penalties, and the loser will get a flaming yellow necklace immediately following the conclusion of the spectacle.  The fight can only end if the three judges agree that it is over.  And it was my decision, personally, nobody else’s, that I will award a huge contract for four fights on a major cable network to the winner.”  The Italian-American gentlemen agreed enthusiastically with these sentiments.

King noted, “the people wanted an outcome, and due to prodigious planning on my part, they most assuredly are assured of an outcome in this fight.”

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